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Going Home in November Makes Me Anxious

| Ben

Hey folks! I hope you’re in good health and hope you’re generally happy.

I haven’t been feeling too well over the past couple of weeks. If you have kept up with me over the years, you’ll know that I have some really unfortunate issues with my digestive system and they’re giving me a bit of grief. It’s been hard to keep anything down at times, and I’ve been getting very nauseated when I’m at work, so I’ve missed a lot of work. I’m about to submit a timesheet for the hours of hours worked and I can guarantee you that I’m going to get bitched at on Monday.

I won’t concentrate on my physical health issues but I will talk about the mental health implications of heading back home at the end of the year.

I’m generally a person who expects change and for the most part, I am not afraid of things changing but when it comes to my family, it really scares me and makes me sad. You see, I moved permanently from the. USA to Australia when I was 26 years old and I’ve been here mostly from then.

I’ve been away for so long that I no longer have any living grandparents. I have aunts, uncles, and cousins I haven’t seen for probably a decade or more. My dad passed away while I was visiting about 15 years ago and I ended up staying in Texas for almost one year. I eventually came back.

The hardest part of living overseas is the fact that I have missed out on so much. My nephews and niece are all adults now with babies of their own. All of my cousins are all grown up, getting married and having children. Family members have passed away or no longer speak to me (mostly because of the gay interracial marriage thing).

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I didn’t move here. I’m not sure I would or could have accomplished as much as I could have if I was in the USA. I probably should get over it, but I’m pretty content with the quality of my life in Australia, but I miss my family. Well, 99% of them.

People here ask me whether I will ever move back to the USA and I don’t know if I can. I’d like to if my life’s quality would be the same, but it wouldn’t be. As my mother gets older, it worries me that I’m “wasting time” being here. She wasn’t always the best mother in my opinion, but being older and more experienced (and educated) has helped me understand her a lot better. She did her best with the cards that were dealt to her.

People move away from home all the time whether it’s for relationships, work, or to live a better life. I wonder whether they struggle the way I do. (Let me explain that: I handle it a lot better than I used to, but find that I’m getting more depressed about it. People at work ask me if I’m okay a lot. They can tell.)

Let me say that I am excited to go back home to see my family at the end of the year, or what’s left of it. I don’t much care for the policial climate, but well, this is what the American people wanted. I hope normalcy and common sense returns to the USA at some point regardless of what political party is running the country. My heart aches for people there.

Anyway, this is why I haven’t posted anything here for a while. Venting makes me feel a bit better. That is all. Take care of yourselves!

From Free-Thinker to Judgemental Zealot

| Ben

Isn’t it absolutely wonderful when one of the coolest, most interesting people you knew from your childhood has turned into one of the most uninteresting, predictable, judgemental humans you could have ever met?

A little background: this girl was what I would consider as a goth girl. She was fun to be around, generally a really nice, lovely person. In high school, a little negative, but she was generally one of those who didn’t care what anybody thought. She was uniquely individual. I knew her since we were 5 years old. Seriously, that’s no lie. I considered her to be my friend.

I have discussed this person in the past before. She’s one of the people who only message me (and I think it’s just a copy and paste message to everybody on her friends list) when she needs something. I think one time it was a request to contribute to her GoFundMe for $500 so her son could have a birthday party.

I think at some point someone ultra-religious has helped her see the light because well, she’s become incredibly predictable to the point where I have all her notifications muted. A few times, she’s posted how same-sex marriages aren’t “valid” and how two people of the same sex loving each other is terrible.

I’m still in awe because this is a huge change from then to now. I’m all happy that she’s found religion (though it looks like it’s one of the crazy Southern Baptist nightmare sects). I just don’t know how she can be happy knowing that she’s agitated many people who considered her friend. It’s quite sad. I used to look forward to seeing her when I’d fly back to the USA, but not so much now. I’ve lived my life being judged because I was a skinny white guy who only liked playing soccer who was interested in guys. I really thought that she was one of those people who would have my back in anything, anytime. Little did I know how powerful religious brainwashing is.

I am guessing that’s what makes me so sad about it. Even after visiting the USA for a few weeks, I see how powerful religion is and in my opinion, it shouldn’t be. Australia, in comparison, is so much better in that regard.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-religion. I’ve been shaped from it, especially when it comes to family values (which include not being an asshole to family members with differing opinions). At the same time, I am wise enough to know that there are good things to believe in every religion. I firmly believe that people should have something to believe in, even if it’s nothing at all. Who am I to judge?

But… is that what I’m doing when I say my friend’s become so predictable?

I just want to be treated nicely. That’s all. It’s an unfortunate day when words can change someone’s whole outlook in life and negatively affect others along the way.