Month: July 2026

Project Empty House

| Ben

Before we start, I’m not asking for anything. This is a little project that I thought about doing when I was younger, but it never materialised and I’m glad that it didn’t.

After I graduated high school (a lot longer than I’d like to think about) and when dial-up was still going strong (something else I’d rather not think about), I thought about doing a social project that involved an empty house. The plan was to see what lengths the general public would go to help someone they didn’t know when they had nothing.

The plan was simple, but flawed.

My plan would be to rent an empty apartment (or house) and move nothing inside except very bare essentials such a little food, drink, and a few changes of clothes. I would have a website where people could send things to me and I could document it and put it to use no matter how useful or useless it is. My plan would be to pay for the apartment and work, but that’s all.

It sounded like a pretty interesting social experiment on paper. Realistically, I don’t think it could have worked out very well. Something like this definitely would not work.

And why not?

Privacy

This would have been an absolute privacy nightmare. I had planned to document everything and put up webcams so people could see how it was going. One of the things I wanted to do is show that the things people were being used. I couldn’t see this working because these things needed a shipping address.

When I first did a personal website, I panicked when I was at work and a few people came up to me and said that they have seen my website and started talking to me about my personal life. At the time, I was dating an Australian guy and was posting blog posts that documented everything about us. So, people found out that I was gay and at the time, I lived in a small town. It was the kind of place where word-of-mouth travels fast and the people who live there are not very openminded. It was after a few encounters that I toned that down a bit.

It also made me rethink this project.

Entitlement and/or Laziness

I am able-bodied and can work. I carry around a huge amount of anxiety but I can work. When I told that Australian partner about my project, he asked me “Why would anybody send you anything?” Really, he’s right. We chatted and he said there are people who genuinely cannot work and wished they could. Why take resources away from someone else who can use it?

As I’ve gotten older, I come across people from Tiktok and other places who routinely beg (e-begging), lie about their needs, and then go use the money to assist in their self-destructive habits. It bothers me because people give them money because they lie that their children are sick or lying that they have cancer (and they’ve been CAUGHT lying already). I hate this not because they’re getting money but because of the lying.

Hoarding Potential

I have never had problems getting rid of things but I could imagine getting way too much at the time. I don’t operate well with clutter. I’ve had family members and friends who lived in cluttered surroundings and it would make me so anxious being around it. I’m not a fan of not having breathing room. Or roaches. Or mice. Or anything like that. No thank you.

Would something like this work today?

Absolutely not. I wouldn’t do it if someone paid me to do this. Times were a little different then anyway. I see a lot of struggling today with rising costs and the reaction to “expect” something in return for nothing or slight entertainment just isn’t worth it. I think that people can work if they really want to. I can work. Do I want to? Not all the time. I wouldn’t object to winning the lottery. But depending 100% on the general public isn’t the way to go.

I’m also not interested in playing my life in front of others anymore. What you see here is about 5% of my life. It’s mostly just random thoughts posted up.

Plus, I’m not that interesting anymore. I’m no longer a twink. I’m no longer young. Gay/bi men just don’t care anymore anyway.

That’s it for now. Every so often I think about this and how interesting it would have been to see the kindness of others. But you know something? I think I would rather have someone donate to someone who could use the extra help.

Going Home in November Makes Me Anxious

| Ben

Hey folks! I hope you’re in good health and hope you’re generally happy.

I haven’t been feeling too well over the past couple of weeks. If you have kept up with me over the years, you’ll know that I have some really unfortunate issues with my digestive system and they’re giving me a bit of grief. It’s been hard to keep anything down at times, and I’ve been getting very nauseated when I’m at work, so I’ve missed a lot of work. I’m about to submit a timesheet for the hours of hours worked and I can guarantee you that I’m going to get bitched at on Monday.

I won’t concentrate on my physical health issues but I will talk about the mental health implications of heading back home at the end of the year.

I’m generally a person who expects change and for the most part, I am not afraid of things changing but when it comes to my family, it really scares me and makes me sad. You see, I moved permanently from the. USA to Australia when I was 26 years old and I’ve been here mostly from then.

I’ve been away for so long that I no longer have any living grandparents. I have aunts, uncles, and cousins I haven’t seen for probably a decade or more. My dad passed away while I was visiting about 15 years ago and I ended up staying in Texas for almost one year. I eventually came back.

The hardest part of living overseas is the fact that I have missed out on so much. My nephews and niece are all adults now with babies of their own. All of my cousins are all grown up, getting married and having children. Family members have passed away or no longer speak to me (mostly because of the gay interracial marriage thing).

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I didn’t move here. I’m not sure I would or could have accomplished as much as I could have if I was in the USA. I probably should get over it, but I’m pretty content with the quality of my life in Australia, but I miss my family. Well, 99% of them.

People here ask me whether I will ever move back to the USA and I don’t know if I can. I’d like to if my life’s quality would be the same, but it wouldn’t be. As my mother gets older, it worries me that I’m “wasting time” being here. She wasn’t always the best mother in my opinion, but being older and more experienced (and educated) has helped me understand her a lot better. She did her best with the cards that were dealt to her.

People move away from home all the time whether it’s for relationships, work, or to live a better life. I wonder whether they struggle the way I do. (Let me explain that: I handle it a lot better than I used to, but find that I’m getting more depressed about it. People at work ask me if I’m okay a lot. They can tell.)

Let me say that I am excited to go back home to see my family at the end of the year, or what’s left of it. I don’t much care for the policial climate, but well, this is what the American people wanted. I hope normalcy and common sense returns to the USA at some point regardless of what political party is running the country. My heart aches for people there.

Anyway, this is why I haven’t posted anything here for a while. Venting makes me feel a bit better. That is all. Take care of yourselves!