Sickness and Weakness

| Ben

Geez, I’ve been sick. Luckily, I am feeling better now and have gone back to work. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been suffering with leukopenia which means that my white blood cell count was a bit low. It’s characterized by feeling extremely weak, having a high temperature, elevated heart rate, and a few other gems. I have stairs in my house, and they were a nightmare. I’d use them once or twice a day because I’d have to sleep after using them. Showering made me tired. Eating made me tired. I just couldn’t win the battle but with some rest, I am almost back to normal.

I’ve lost about 3-4 kilograms (between 6-9 pounds) and my stomach is still a bit small. I’m trying to just eat until I feel like I’ve eaten enough instead of eating until I’m full. So far, so good. I don’t want to get back to the USA weighing more because as I age, the harder it is to lose this weight that I’ve gained over the years.

I’m not sure whether this is being caused by stress or what. The important thing is that I’m feeling better and trying to get along better with my husband. Haha.

I hope everyone is doing well! Bonus photo of the saucy sausage!

Stress Tests

| Ben

I thought maybe it was time for an update or two.

My stress levels have been astronomical and I have been having issues dealing with it. You may have noticed that with my last several posts. My relationship has been a bit rocky for the last year or so due to me not being able to support my husband after his mother passed away. I think I came across as not caring, but I wanted to put emphasis on the fact that we should not dwell on the death of the people we love, but to celebrate that we were able to spend as much time as we did with them. Maybe that comes across as mean. People process loss in so many different ways, but when I’d try to help, I was constantly being told that I don’t understand what it’s like to lose a parent (which I have) and I do not understand his culture. True, I’m not an expert on that.

We had a bit of an argument this week and I ended up cancelling my flight back home at the end of the year. Most of that is that I know my partner is still suffering with loss and dealing with his remaining family members back home. So I thought I’d stay in Australia to support him.

He talked me into rebooking, so I did that but shortened my trip by about 2-3 weeks.

I also went to see my doctor due to all the stress I’ve been dealing with. My medication doses were doubled and I’m going to see about seeing a psychologist too. My thoughts have gotten pretty dark, so I thought that maybe I should do something about it while my mind is still functioning to do the most sensible thing.

Anyway, look after your mental health, folks. Remember, there is no shame in seeking help when you need it.

Back to Living the Dream

| Ben

My partner’s come back to Australia, which is a good thing. Starting this week, I’ll be working more so I have more spending money when I go back to my home country. I was working on average 1-2 days per week and my paychecks sucked. I got my tax refund back and have gone through most of it on living expenses.

This is going to be a short post and probably very uninteresting as my life is void of excitement. I’m pretty thankful that it hasn’t been very exciting though. I like to listen to internet drama and it’s mostly about people who document every single detail of their lives. I used to be the same way, but decided after a while that it’s not in my best interest. I’m glad I stepped away and don’t share the most embarrassing moments of my life on YouTube, Tiktok, or Instagram.

I practically lived online and wanted to tell EVERYBODY about what was going on. Good times, bad times: it didn’t matter. I know some of the people I dated really hated that and in hindsight, those relationships would have most likely lasted longer if I devoted more time to THEM besides talking about our relationship. I think I get it now.

The landscape of sharing online has changed so much over the years and I regret posting some of the things I did. I’m glad I don’t do it anymore.

Anyway, as I said this would be boring. I hope everyone is doing well and taking care of yourselves.

Middle Aged–What’s Next?

| Ben

This is a bit of a mental health post. It’s nothing heavy. It’s just a processing how I’m feeling lately. Feel free to skip this one if you want. I don’t blame you if you want to do anything else.

So, my partner’s been gone for 3 weeks and coming back at the end of next week. This has given me plenty of time to think about life. Unfortunately, that usually means overthinking life and how much time I have left on this good Earth. I know. Morbid thoughts, am I right?

It seems like that I am battling a mid-life crisis right now. I’m not wanting to buy a fancy new car or buy a gold-plated set of armor anything like that. I am just thinking whether I’ve done all that I can do at this moment in my life. I’ve done some pretty incredible things.

I should be thankful that I’ve been able to do things that some people only dream about. I’ve lived in big metropolises like NYC, Sydney, and Melbourne. I came here as an international student and have a pretty great job (which took me several years to finally embrace). I’ve loved two people deeply to the point that I migrated here for one and married another. I’m not struggling every single day. However, saying this, it hasn’t been sunshine, roses, and rainbows. I’ve suffered a lot and for some reason, I continue to suffer in various ways.

I will be upfront that my mental health has been a big problem in my lifetime. I struggled accepting that I could be attracted to men and ignored it for the longest time. I am also attracted to women which I struggle with now (but I know that I can’t act on it anymore). Growing up, I didn’t make friends easily. It is exhausting for me. It’s not that I particularly like being alone. I just wish, at this point, I had more friends. I realise that with my husband gone, it would be nice to have some local friends to do things with. Most of the people I know are people from work. I really like them, but beyond work, I just don’t do anything with them. It’s a bit sad.

For some reason, I find my depression coming back and my anxiety/social anxiety is worse. I fight it with all my energy, but even that energy is limited and it seems like every day that passes, I have less energy. So, I stay home with Dash. He’s got separation anxiety, so I don’t go out much on my own. I kind of need that, but Dash is a good boy and I don’t want to leave him by himself. If I do, I risk having my house being used as a toilet or a disaster area when I get back.

This is a lot of rambling, I know. I am just anxious all the time which I hate. I don’t want to increase my medications either. I wonder how much more I would have done if I didn’t have to deal with all of this unnecessary worrying.

Anyway, random discussion time is over. I’m not sure whether that has helped or not. Excuse any bad grammar you find because I took a full dose of antihistamines. They knock me out!

Anyway, if you read this, thanks. See you soon!

Project Empty House

| Ben

Before we start, I’m not asking for anything. This is a little project that I thought about doing when I was younger, but it never materialised and I’m glad that it didn’t.

After I graduated high school (a lot longer than I’d like to think about) and when dial-up was still going strong (something else I’d rather not think about), I thought about doing a social project that involved an empty house. The plan was to see what lengths the general public would go to help someone they didn’t know when they had nothing.

The plan was simple, but flawed.

My plan would be to rent an empty apartment (or house) and move nothing inside except very bare essentials such a little food, drink, and a few changes of clothes. I would have a website where people could send things to me and I could document it and put it to use no matter how useful or useless it is. My plan would be to pay for the apartment and work, but that’s all.

It sounded like a pretty interesting social experiment on paper. Realistically, I don’t think it could have worked out very well. Something like this definitely would not work.

And why not?

Privacy

This would have been an absolute privacy nightmare. I had planned to document everything and put up webcams so people could see how it was going. One of the things I wanted to do is show that the things people were being used. I couldn’t see this working because these things needed a shipping address.

When I first did a personal website, I panicked when I was at work and a few people came up to me and said that they have seen my website and started talking to me about my personal life. At the time, I was dating an Australian guy and was posting blog posts that documented everything about us. So, people found out that I was gay and at the time, I lived in a small town. It was the kind of place where word-of-mouth travels fast and the people who live there are not very openminded. It was after a few encounters that I toned that down a bit.

It also made me rethink this project.

Entitlement and/or Laziness

I am able-bodied and can work. I carry around a huge amount of anxiety but I can work. When I told that Australian partner about my project, he asked me “Why would anybody send you anything?” Really, he’s right. We chatted and he said there are people who genuinely cannot work and wished they could. Why take resources away from someone else who can use it?

As I’ve gotten older, I come across people from Tiktok and other places who routinely beg (e-begging), lie about their needs, and then go use the money to assist in their self-destructive habits. It bothers me because people give them money because they lie that their children are sick or lying that they have cancer (and they’ve been CAUGHT lying already). I hate this not because they’re getting money but because of the lying.

Hoarding Potential

I have never had problems getting rid of things but I could imagine getting way too much at the time. I don’t operate well with clutter. I’ve had family members and friends who lived in cluttered surroundings and it would make me so anxious being around it. I’m not a fan of not having breathing room. Or roaches. Or mice. Or anything like that. No thank you.

Would something like this work today?

Absolutely not. I wouldn’t do it if someone paid me to do this. Times were a little different then anyway. I see a lot of struggling today with rising costs and the reaction to “expect” something in return for nothing or slight entertainment just isn’t worth it. I think that people can work if they really want to. I can work. Do I want to? Not all the time. I wouldn’t object to winning the lottery. But depending 100% on the general public isn’t the way to go.

I’m also not interested in playing my life in front of others anymore. What you see here is about 5% of my life. It’s mostly just random thoughts posted up.

Plus, I’m not that interesting anymore. I’m no longer a twink. I’m no longer young. Gay/bi men just don’t care anymore anyway.

That’s it for now. Every so often I think about this and how interesting it would have been to see the kindness of others. But you know something? I think I would rather have someone donate to someone who could use the extra help.

Going Home in November Makes Me Anxious

| Ben

Hey folks! I hope you’re in good health and hope you’re generally happy.

I haven’t been feeling too well over the past couple of weeks. If you have kept up with me over the years, you’ll know that I have some really unfortunate issues with my digestive system and they’re giving me a bit of grief. It’s been hard to keep anything down at times, and I’ve been getting very nauseated when I’m at work, so I’ve missed a lot of work. I’m about to submit a timesheet for the hours of hours worked and I can guarantee you that I’m going to get bitched at on Monday.

I won’t concentrate on my physical health issues but I will talk about the mental health implications of heading back home at the end of the year.

I’m generally a person who expects change and for the most part, I am not afraid of things changing but when it comes to my family, it really scares me and makes me sad. You see, I moved permanently from the. USA to Australia when I was 26 years old and I’ve been here mostly from then.

I’ve been away for so long that I no longer have any living grandparents. I have aunts, uncles, and cousins I haven’t seen for probably a decade or more. My dad passed away while I was visiting about 15 years ago and I ended up staying in Texas for almost one year. I eventually came back.

The hardest part of living overseas is the fact that I have missed out on so much. My nephews and niece are all adults now with babies of their own. All of my cousins are all grown up, getting married and having children. Family members have passed away or no longer speak to me (mostly because of the gay interracial marriage thing).

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I didn’t move here. I’m not sure I would or could have accomplished as much as I could have if I was in the USA. I probably should get over it, but I’m pretty content with the quality of my life in Australia, but I miss my family. Well, 99% of them.

People here ask me whether I will ever move back to the USA and I don’t know if I can. I’d like to if my life’s quality would be the same, but it wouldn’t be. As my mother gets older, it worries me that I’m “wasting time” being here. She wasn’t always the best mother in my opinion, but being older and more experienced (and educated) has helped me understand her a lot better. She did her best with the cards that were dealt to her.

People move away from home all the time whether it’s for relationships, work, or to live a better life. I wonder whether they struggle the way I do. (Let me explain that: I handle it a lot better than I used to, but find that I’m getting more depressed about it. People at work ask me if I’m okay a lot. They can tell.)

Let me say that I am excited to go back home to see my family at the end of the year, or what’s left of it. I don’t much care for the policial climate, but well, this is what the American people wanted. I hope normalcy and common sense returns to the USA at some point regardless of what political party is running the country. My heart aches for people there.

Anyway, this is why I haven’t posted anything here for a while. Venting makes me feel a bit better. That is all. Take care of yourselves!

My Hobby is Now Too Expensive

| Ben

My first exposure to gaming (that I remember anyway) was when I was 5 years old. That Christmas, my parents bought my sister and me a NES. I have been hooked since. I’ve owned most of Nintendo’s consoles up to the Nintendo DSi. That was a long time ago though. Sure, I wanted to get more consoles, but it seemed like the more I bought them, the less I used them. My last Nintendo purchase was the first Nintendo Switch.

It was then I realised that there was a big problem. The price of the console was pretty hefty and I bought games, played them for a little while, and then would put it down for months. Gaming, in general, is really expensive here in Australia. I was easily paying around $100 per game, playing it for a few hours, and then forgetting it existed. These were first-party games, too.

I finally gave up once I noticed that Nintendo started charging people three times and full price for the same game on separate consoles with no or a few changes. I decided to pass on the Switch 2 for this reason and my Switch 1 has been sitting in the same place for about a year now. I pick it up about 4 times per year to play something like Animal Crossing for about 30 minutes.

Now that the prices for everything technology-related is going up due to the gross overuse of AI, other console makers are raising their prices. I bought an Xbox Series X for about $700 when it was released. Now, the price for the same console is around $850. Do I have to remind you that this is for the same console that was released several years ago?!

I started playing Xbox from the Xbox 360, but I think I am done. The price for new consoles, games, and subscriptions keep going up. You know what else is going up? The price for electricity, water, food, and everything else is going up too. Financial stress is starting to show its ugly face and now, it’s a question whether gaming is worth the money.

Sure, I’m getting older but gaming is a way for me to step away from everybody stressors and my stressful job and immerse myself in a world where that stress disappears, even for a few hours.

The Steam Machine was something I was interested in and thought it might be affordable. Here in Australia, it’s not. It’s easily $1,500 and I’m not prepared to pay that much for something that is underpowered and overpriced. It has a nice form factor, but its internals make it not worth it. I’ll pass on that.

That’s going to be the theme going forward: I’ll pass. Gaming has gotten to be something that is too expensive. I guess I will need to find a new hobby or something… or just hold on to my consoles for a bit longer and hope support for it doesn’t disappear quickly.

Anyway, rant over.

Happy Pride Month 🏳️‍🌈

| Ben

I know I’m a little late to the party, but Happy Pride Month.

Photo by Steve A Johnson on Unsplash

If you’re LGBTIQ+, be proud of the skin you’re in and remember all the people who made any advancement possible. It’s an ongoing process, and hopefully one day, people will all be treated equally.

If you’re straight and you don’t understand why this is even necessary, I suggest you take the time to ask one of your LGBTIQ+ friends what they’ve encountered in their lives. Likely, there is going to some story they can tell you regarding the injustice, bullying, or something like that. It happens today. This is why we still have pride month.

I grew up in a small town in Texas where people didn’t really accept anything that was outside that 1950’s sort of life. You had to have a partner of the opposite sex, be religious, and be terrible towards anybody who is different. Luckily, I moved out shortly after I graduated high school and experienced the world. I didn’t fully accept who I was until a decade passed that. I’m okay and though I tell people that I’m gay, I’m more bisexual than anything. Probably, pansexual would be a better way to put it. Gay, to me, is just easier and I don’t really care if people think I’m gay. No big deal (again, for me).

I’m not especially great with words, but I really hope that you just be kind to everyone, but realise, too, that LGBTIQ+ people have unique struggles and I think a lot of them/us just want you to understand that. It’s not about changing the way YOU are and the people you’re attracted to, but to focus on acceptance.

That’s all from me! Please take care of yourselves and the people you care about.

20 Years… Already?

| Ben

20 years ago, I decided to finally move to Australia because it was starting to get very expensive to travel between the USA and Australia 2-3 times per year so I could spend time with the person who I loved at the time and to study as an international student.

I originally came to Australia in early 2001 to be with my partner at the time. We had met in the USA a year or so earlier and he was traveling a lot to come and see me. I finally told him that I would be happy to work 3 jobs for 6 months, go to Australia and spend 6 months with him. So I did that until 2006.

On one of my trips, I walked into a international student sort of hub where they would hook up people with study programs, so that’s what I did. They did a lot of the heavy lifting for me, and in 2006, I came to Australia as an international student. Studied, got my degree, then applied for a partner visa.

Australian flag
Have I mentioned how much I love Australia? I love Australia.

I was granted a transitional partner visa in 2008, and around 2010, it was made into a permanent partner visa. My partner at the time was away a lot for work, and I spent a lot of time by myself, which was very hard for me mentally. But that had started while I was studying. Though I valued my partner’s work ethic, I missed him being around physically. So I was sad, depressed, and very anxious. (My ex and I are still friends and speaking of that, he’s coming by soon. It’s the first time that my husband and he meet.)

Anyway, in 2012, a friend of mine talked me into getting Australian citizenship. I was wondering why I would need it in the first place, but I thought about not having to renew my permanent residence every few years. So I went for it. It happened so quickly.

I haven’t really looked back since then. I absolutely love this country. Nowhere is perfect, but, to me, Australia is definitely a wonderful place to live and I feel so lucky to be able to call Australia home now.

A lot of people ask me if I plan to go back to the USA to live and I just don’t think it’s likely. I’ve studied more and I’ve got a good, secure job here. I’ve got a new partner (who was also an international student and a migrant). I’ve got a sweet sausage dog. And this work-life balance I have over here is incredible. I love it!

USA flag
I still have some love for the USA, but it’s only because my family is there.

Having said that, I do miss my family a lot. I didn’t come here with an unsupportive family and friends. This is probably the hardest part of my life, but then I remember that the people who I have dated (or married) have gone through the same thing, and I’ve got a little bit of support here.

I’ve booked my tickets back to the USA for about 2 months at the end of the year. It will be so good to spend time with them while I’m there, but I always make it clear that I must come back to Australia because I’ve left little parts of my heart over here.

Anyway, happy 20 years to me!

Ps: This isn’t the exact date for 20 years, that’s on the 6th!

Move, moving, moved!

| Ben

Welcome to my new (and questionably improved) weblog, all three of you lovely bots! (And if you’re not a bot, and I have insulted you, don’t take it personally. I love real people more than web crawling spiders.

I’ve taken a bulk of the old posts and media with me and as far as I know, everything looks okay but with any sort of move, little messes may occur. I do know that I’ve lost a lot of my little bits of customisation, but hopefully I’ll get my crap together and fix it up.

Just know that I appreciate, love, and thank you for following me (even if you are just crawling my weblog to train your crappy AI…).

Hopefully I will be saying more soon. Much love!