This is a bit of a mental health post. It’s nothing heavy. It’s just a processing how I’m feeling lately. Feel free to skip this one if you want. I don’t blame you if you want to do anything else.

So, my partner’s been gone for 3 weeks and coming back at the end of next week. This has given me plenty of time to think about life. Unfortunately, that usually means overthinking life and how much time I have left on this good Earth. I know. Morbid thoughts, am I right?

It seems like that I am battling a mid-life crisis right now. I’m not wanting to buy a fancy new car or buy a gold-plated set of armor anything like that. I am just thinking whether I’ve done all that I can do at this moment in my life. I’ve done some pretty incredible things.

I should be thankful that I’ve been able to do things that some people only dream about. I’ve lived in big metropolises like NYC, Sydney, and Melbourne. I came here as an international student and have a pretty great job (which took me several years to finally embrace). I’ve loved two people deeply to the point that I migrated here for one and married another. I’m not struggling every single day. However, saying this, it hasn’t been sunshine, roses, and rainbows. I’ve suffered a lot and for some reason, I continue to suffer in various ways.

I will be upfront that my mental health has been a big problem in my lifetime. I struggled accepting that I could be attracted to men and ignored it for the longest time. I am also attracted to women which I struggle with now (but I know that I can’t act on it anymore). Growing up, I didn’t make friends easily. It is exhausting for me. It’s not that I particularly like being alone. I just wish, at this point, I had more friends. I realise that with my husband gone, it would be nice to have some local friends to do things with. Most of the people I know are people from work. I really like them, but beyond work, I just don’t do anything with them. It’s a bit sad.

For some reason, I find my depression coming back and my anxiety/social anxiety is worse. I fight it with all my energy, but even that energy is limited and it seems like every day that passes, I have less energy. So, I stay home with Dash. He’s got separation anxiety, so I don’t go out much on my own. I kind of need that, but Dash is a good boy and I don’t want to leave him by himself. If I do, I risk having my house being used as a toilet or a disaster area when I get back.

This is a lot of rambling, I know. I am just anxious all the time which I hate. I don’t want to increase my medications either. I wonder how much more I would have done if I didn’t have to deal with all of this unnecessary worrying.

Anyway, random discussion time is over. I’m not sure whether that has helped or not. Excuse any bad grammar you find because I took a full dose of antihistamines. They knock me out!

Anyway, if you read this, thanks. See you soon!