anxiety

Stress Tests

| Ben

I thought maybe it was time for an update or two.

My stress levels have been astronomical and I have been having issues dealing with it. You may have noticed that with my last several posts. My relationship has been a bit rocky for the last year or so due to me not being able to support my husband after his mother passed away. I think I came across as not caring, but I wanted to put emphasis on the fact that we should not dwell on the death of the people we love, but to celebrate that we were able to spend as much time as we did with them. Maybe that comes across as mean. People process loss in so many different ways, but when I’d try to help, I was constantly being told that I don’t understand what it’s like to lose a parent (which I have) and I do not understand his culture. True, I’m not an expert on that.

We had a bit of an argument this week and I ended up cancelling my flight back home at the end of the year. Most of that is that I know my partner is still suffering with loss and dealing with his remaining family members back home. So I thought I’d stay in Australia to support him.

He talked me into rebooking, so I did that but shortened my trip by about 2-3 weeks.

I also went to see my doctor due to all the stress I’ve been dealing with. My medication doses were doubled and I’m going to see about seeing a psychologist too. My thoughts have gotten pretty dark, so I thought that maybe I should do something about it while my mind is still functioning to do the most sensible thing.

Anyway, look after your mental health, folks. Remember, there is no shame in seeking help when you need it.

Middle Aged–What’s Next?

| Ben

This is a bit of a mental health post. It’s nothing heavy. It’s just a processing how I’m feeling lately. Feel free to skip this one if you want. I don’t blame you if you want to do anything else.

So, my partner’s been gone for 3 weeks and coming back at the end of next week. This has given me plenty of time to think about life. Unfortunately, that usually means overthinking life and how much time I have left on this good Earth. I know. Morbid thoughts, am I right?

It seems like that I am battling a mid-life crisis right now. I’m not wanting to buy a fancy new car or buy a gold-plated set of armor anything like that. I am just thinking whether I’ve done all that I can do at this moment in my life. I’ve done some pretty incredible things.

I should be thankful that I’ve been able to do things that some people only dream about. I’ve lived in big metropolises like NYC, Sydney, and Melbourne. I came here as an international student and have a pretty great job (which took me several years to finally embrace). I’ve loved two people deeply to the point that I migrated here for one and married another. I’m not struggling every single day. However, saying this, it hasn’t been sunshine, roses, and rainbows. I’ve suffered a lot and for some reason, I continue to suffer in various ways.

I will be upfront that my mental health has been a big problem in my lifetime. I struggled accepting that I could be attracted to men and ignored it for the longest time. I am also attracted to women which I struggle with now (but I know that I can’t act on it anymore). Growing up, I didn’t make friends easily. It is exhausting for me. It’s not that I particularly like being alone. I just wish, at this point, I had more friends. I realise that with my husband gone, it would be nice to have some local friends to do things with. Most of the people I know are people from work. I really like them, but beyond work, I just don’t do anything with them. It’s a bit sad.

For some reason, I find my depression coming back and my anxiety/social anxiety is worse. I fight it with all my energy, but even that energy is limited and it seems like every day that passes, I have less energy. So, I stay home with Dash. He’s got separation anxiety, so I don’t go out much on my own. I kind of need that, but Dash is a good boy and I don’t want to leave him by himself. If I do, I risk having my house being used as a toilet or a disaster area when I get back.

This is a lot of rambling, I know. I am just anxious all the time which I hate. I don’t want to increase my medications either. I wonder how much more I would have done if I didn’t have to deal with all of this unnecessary worrying.

Anyway, random discussion time is over. I’m not sure whether that has helped or not. Excuse any bad grammar you find because I took a full dose of antihistamines. They knock me out!

Anyway, if you read this, thanks. See you soon!

Going Home in November Makes Me Anxious

| Ben

Hey folks! I hope you’re in good health and hope you’re generally happy.

I haven’t been feeling too well over the past couple of weeks. If you have kept up with me over the years, you’ll know that I have some really unfortunate issues with my digestive system and they’re giving me a bit of grief. It’s been hard to keep anything down at times, and I’ve been getting very nauseated when I’m at work, so I’ve missed a lot of work. I’m about to submit a timesheet for the hours of hours worked and I can guarantee you that I’m going to get bitched at on Monday.

I won’t concentrate on my physical health issues but I will talk about the mental health implications of heading back home at the end of the year.

I’m generally a person who expects change and for the most part, I am not afraid of things changing but when it comes to my family, it really scares me and makes me sad. You see, I moved permanently from the. USA to Australia when I was 26 years old and I’ve been here mostly from then.

I’ve been away for so long that I no longer have any living grandparents. I have aunts, uncles, and cousins I haven’t seen for probably a decade or more. My dad passed away while I was visiting about 15 years ago and I ended up staying in Texas for almost one year. I eventually came back.

The hardest part of living overseas is the fact that I have missed out on so much. My nephews and niece are all adults now with babies of their own. All of my cousins are all grown up, getting married and having children. Family members have passed away or no longer speak to me (mostly because of the gay interracial marriage thing).

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I didn’t move here. I’m not sure I would or could have accomplished as much as I could have if I was in the USA. I probably should get over it, but I’m pretty content with the quality of my life in Australia, but I miss my family. Well, 99% of them.

People here ask me whether I will ever move back to the USA and I don’t know if I can. I’d like to if my life’s quality would be the same, but it wouldn’t be. As my mother gets older, it worries me that I’m “wasting time” being here. She wasn’t always the best mother in my opinion, but being older and more experienced (and educated) has helped me understand her a lot better. She did her best with the cards that were dealt to her.

People move away from home all the time whether it’s for relationships, work, or to live a better life. I wonder whether they struggle the way I do. (Let me explain that: I handle it a lot better than I used to, but find that I’m getting more depressed about it. People at work ask me if I’m okay a lot. They can tell.)

Let me say that I am excited to go back home to see my family at the end of the year, or what’s left of it. I don’t much care for the policial climate, but well, this is what the American people wanted. I hope normalcy and common sense returns to the USA at some point regardless of what political party is running the country. My heart aches for people there.

Anyway, this is why I haven’t posted anything here for a while. Venting makes me feel a bit better. That is all. Take care of yourselves!

The Case for Apple’s Magic Mouse

| Ben

We’ve all heard the criticisms of Apple’s Magic Mouse which has no left or right click buttons and you have to charge it by plugging it in on the bottom. Those are some pretty big engineering flaws. They come in the box with the iMac, so I have one that I still use with my old Intel iMac.

A lot of people complain about the mouse that’s a standard inclusion with the iMac and I was one of them. I didn’t like that it was too flat and that I had to wait to use my computer while I charged it but now I have changed my mind.

Why? Why do I like it now?

I suffer from essential tremor which is a neurological condition that comes with involuntary shaking. It usually affects the hands and arms, but can also affect other body parts like the head. It also can affect a person’s voice. It can significantly impact daily activities like writing, eating, and using tools. It can also causes emotional impacts like embarrassment and anxiety. It has gotten to the point so that I now have to take beta-blockers to help control it.

I cannot tell you how many times I have double- or triple-typed keys while typing this. I used to write code and I am surprised that I haven’t worn out the delete key yet. I also tend to type the letters f or j for no reason. It’s embarrassing when I’m at work and people see me getting frustrated while typing.

What I have a huge problem is using a mouse. I end up clicking things 2-5 times in a row which means things get selected that I didn’t want selected, windows get maximised when I don’t want them to be, and I drag and drop stuff on the screen all the time. I’ve tried different mice to be able to find one that is a bit tougher and it won’t pick up every single click of the mouse. I haven’t had much luck with it until I realised that the Magic Mouse I swapped was the best option.

Sure, it’s not my favourite mouse, but I have found that it really helps with accidental clicking of stuff. My extra clicking is very light but sensitive mice kind of register them as clicks. The Apple Magic Mouse doesn’t do that and I’ve gone back to using that instead. I miss the extra buttons, but I’m also relieved that I’m not clicking on everything accidentally.

Essential tremors are embarrassing for me. They disrupt a lot of aspects of my life and over the years, it’s gotten worse. I seriously get sad and depressed over it. But, this badly designed mouse has helped me get at least some control over my computer use. Now, if I can find a keyboard that would work for me, that would be fantastic.

(Disclaimer: The links to the mouse are Amazon affiliate links so if you buy it through Amazon, I get a commission for it. Having said that, this is a product that helps me from personal experience and I thought I’d share it with you.)

When the Anxiety Takes Over

| Ben

My anxiousness has crept up on me again and it’s been a bit of a nuisance. For anybody who doesn’t experience ongoing anxiety, consider yourself lucky.

When I explain it to people, I explain it like this: You know that first day worry and anxiousness you have on the first day of working in a new place? That’s what I experience every day that I go to work. I am anxious about many things, more than half will probably not happen. It can get debilitating. It sometimes makes me physically sick. I have missed a lot of work because it’s so easy to work myself up into a frenzy. I love my work 90% of the time. I love what I do, but that fear of not doing a good job lingers.

I have the same feeling sometimes in public. It’s constant worrying. For example, did I shave my head right? Does it have stripes on the back of my head that I missed? Is it red? Is it razor burnt? Everybody sees it and they’re judging me for being sloppy and unkempt. In reality, people don’t scrutinize that much, but my brain doesn’t accept that all the time.

Today I was at the gym and was worried about everybody looking at me. Am I doing things right? Do they notice that I shake a lot? In reality, no one really cares. My brain just didn’t accept that.

It has been really bad in the past without it being controlled. I control it a bit with medication, but I use cognitive behaviour therapy as well to help myself. Lately it’s just been a bit sloppy. I don’t know why and it kind of bothers me a bit.

A lot of what I DON’T do is because this anxiety takes over. I could be so much more productive and happy without it. Some days I don’t let it bother me. It’s just hard to do lately. I don’t release my projects to the public because of it.

My husband is my mental health expert. It’s hard sometimes because he’s able to diffuse some of my negative thinking patterns and make me realise that I am overthinking things. It has been up to me to get by since I moved.

While out today after the first workout I’ve had in a very long time, I thought about my life in general and need to make some changes. I want to unleash my full potential. I’ll get there, but it will take time. But you know something? I think that’s totally acceptable to me.