Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays. However you say it or do it, I hope it’s a good one.
And if you’re spending time alone like I am on this most joyous day, do something nice for yourself. You deserve it because you’re so fucking fabulous! (I made myself a strawberry jelly slice(s). Plural, because I will probably eat the whole damn pan myself… why not?!)
Seriously, have a good day and I also hope your New Year doesn’t suck.
Love, Ben
Earlier this year, my partner and I had a problem. I needed to be away from home for five weeks, so someone had to be home with my big, beautiful sausage dog. My partner needed to go to India sometime this year to do some Hindu ritual for his mother and he arranged to go back home when my thing was done. So, I finished my thing and my partner has left.
Unfortunately, my best friend (the sausage dog), got really sick and his quality of life wasn’t very good and I had to make the difficult decision to euthanise him. I really miss him still. His urn is here and I still talk to him sometimes. I still tell him he’s a good boy. I tell him I miss him. He was such a good, sweet boy. I wish we could have spent more time together. I adopted him when he was 7 years old. I just wanted to make his life better. His circumstances weren’t very good: he had a few different homes and I got him. I was always afraid that he would think that he’d be alone again or be passed from person to person.
Losing a pet is so hard. As I said, he was my best friend. We would go on short road trips. He’d sleep in the passenger seat and I’d drive us to the park or the beach. I miss having that company with me.
So yeah, my partner has gone back “home” for a month. 2 days have passed. I am left in a big quiet house. I wish my dog was here with me… or that he could lay together in his chair and watch videos of animals. Or eat vegetables and fruit together. I go to the store and see all the things we used to eat together. I remember how excited he would get when he saw me come in with food bags. He knew I usually got him something… carrots, baby cucumbers, tomatoes, bananas… sometimes I am driving back from the store and realise that no one is going to get as excited as he does over bananas.
I’m just sad, I guess and that’s normal. It’s okay to process this feeling of loneliness at times. It makes me appreciate the people who stay or have stayed in my life. I’m lucky to have been able to look after such a wonderful, sweet dachshund.
I keep telling my partner that I’m going to find one while he’s away. My partner seems to think that I’m over losing my “puppy” in August. I’ve been sad for a while. I don’t know if this feeling will ever go away but what I do know is that it just takes time to process loss. I have to keep reminding myself how happy I will be to meet everyone (pets included) when my time is up.
Who knows how long I’ll be waiting.
Hi folks. Trying to write more often. I’m still kind of failing to get into the Christmas spirit while living in Australia. It’s been pretty hot over the past few days, so I’m just not feeling it.
My partner is flying back to his home country tomorrow so I’ll be over here by myself on Christmas. That’s not a bad thing though. I’d probably end up sitting on the couch eating hot dogs or something like I usually do when I’m in Australia at this time of year. I would be tempted to work, but I’m still on annual leave, so I haven’t been able to pick up any extra shifts. It’s not a big deal. I’m not really that sad at all.
My partner’s tried several times to get me to put up a tree or at least decorate. I just don’t have much of an interest in getting stuff out of boxes and throwing it around, and when Christmas rolls around, it’s hot enough to go to the beach.
I don’t think that I am going to ever get used to Christmas when it’s not cold. I am a bit too accustomed to it being cold on my birthday and Christmas. It’s a bummer when it’s not. Funnily enough, I get a bit homesick in July because it feels like Christmas to me.
Oh, and I’m also not very religious either, so Christmas seems to be just another day to work and make big money or when I’m back home, sitting around stuffing my face with food with my family.
Anyway, if you do the Christmas thing, I hope it’s great. If you don’t, like me, just think of it as a day to relax and do whatever you want. I know this time of the year can get pretty difficult for a lot of people, so you’re not forgotten. 🙂
Anyway, happy holidays. Get offended if you want to—or don’t. It’s up to you.
I’ve been away from home for a few days and working in a new area which can get very physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. It’s won’t go into details, but it’s very difficult seeing people you care for deteriorate before your eyes. A lot of this deterioration involves the brain and it’s hard to see people struggle to come to terms with their general decline.
I’m here for a total of five weeks and three have passed. (I was sick with COVID for one week.) So, two more weeks are left until I can go home permanently and join my usual workplace for a few weeks, then I get to come back here for an additional two weeks.
I’m here to complete a degree. I’m at the end of it. If I could just stop being sick, that would be fantastic. I hope that I won’t get some sort of respiratory issue because the allergens are in the air, and I can hardly breathe.
It’s getting there though. This has been a big goal for me for years and it’s finally coming to an end. I’m looking forward to the future and what 2026 will finally bring.
That is all for now. Everyone take care of yourself!
I have been thinking, which is usually a dangerous thing. I said earlier that I was going to stop updating this thing but find that is probably not the very best solution to all my life’s issues. Sure, I post little blips and burps on Mastodon a lot more frequently, but the character limit is a little restrictive. What I mean by that is that I don’t want to have to post 10 toots in a row to get my thought across if I don’t have to. So, I guess I’ll put those longer thoughts here.
I think a lot of my issue is that I want to escape my issues so by ignoring it, I thought maybe it will just go away. I don’t want to come on to the internet and seem to be a chronic complainer. You know, like the people who know that a disease exists, they have it or they’re on their way to getting it. I am admittedly sick… a lot. I feel like that’s all I complain about sometimes. Can I overcome that and inject some positivity into my life through regular writing? Who the hell knows. I can barely string along sentences anymore. Ha ha.
So, here I am. And I guess I’ll keep this up until I get tired of oversharing. Maybe at some point, I can talk about the positive things in my life.
Right now, I am just recovering from COVID (AGAIN!!!). I am okay though. I feel like garbage, but also nearing the end of my study and research. Sometimes, I just sit and wait for the bad stuff to happen, but hey, I’m alive. And damn it, I will finish this degree!!!
Look at what the cat dragged in. (That would be me.)
It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? I have been incredibly busy doing lots of things but they’re all things that are boring and mundane.
I haven’t really been that social as of late and it’s not that I’m depressed or sad, it’s simply because posting my business all the time for strangers to see and podcasting about the most boring-ass shit isn’t a priority anymore. I’m a bit happier from it.
I do have the sad news to report that this is probably all that will be posted here. I just don’t have any interest in it anymore. I feel like my online life has been fun, but it’s just time to step away and further fade into obscurity and blend into the shadows. (30 Nov 2025: So apparently, that didn’t age very well… read this.)
If you’ve been here for years and popped in to check in on me, thanks. I appreciate it. Honestly, I do. Thanks for the support and care you’ve given me over the past couple of decades. 🙂 I wish you all well and I hope that you have everything in your life that you have always wanted. We may meet again in some time at some unexpected place.
Until then, thanks again! 🙂
I’ve been neglecting this weblog. Hell, I’ve been neglecting my personal website.
I don’t really feel bad about it… well, maybe I do a little bit because I am posting this here.
The need for a personal website becomes a lot less necessary because I feel as if I’m pretty content with not oversharing anymore. I do focus a bit on my mental and physical health because, well, I need some sort of therapy somewhere. Luckily, I’ve been able to handle my mental health issues in other ways. That probably makes me look like I complain a lot.
So, what do I do? I’ve been reducing my digital footprint for years and feel like I am just wasting money (and time) keeping it going. My need for expressing myself on a soapbox has been diminishing for years. I feel like no one cares anymore.
That’s not necessarily a bad thing though.
So do I keep these little projects going? Or do I let it die. I’m still trying to decide. I have until the end of the year to make the decision to remove the life support. I guess we’ll see, won’t we?
I hope you are all well.
Hi folks.
It’s been quite a while before I’ve dumped my random thoughts here, but I thought I’d do that rather than dump a whole lot of garbage on Mastodon. Don’t worry, you can thank me later.
Right now, I’m sick at home with a chest infection which I haven’t had for a very long time. I’m not sure what caused it, but I am pretty miserable. Regrettably, I’ve had to miss a few days of work to recover, but hopefully I’ll feel better soon. I’ve got a few weeks of annual leave that I need to take in a couple of months and need that couple of hours per paycheque so I can get paid for all of it. Saving anything (including money) has been a challenge lately.
Our new house build is coming along nicely. The exterior is just about done and the builders are starting to put up the dry wall inside. The inside still looks unimpressive, but it’s getting there. I am hoping it will be done mid-year. I’m getting tired of paying rent. I am going to miss my place close to the beach and the city, but kind of tired of having to listen to the traffic all the time. The air is probably not that great for me too. Air purifiers can only do so much, yeah?
Work is work. I don’t hate my job, but I’m also not that enthusiastic to go in when I don’t know what area I am working in. My job requires me to work in various sectors with various specialisations and it would be nice not to have that “jack-of-all-trades, but master of none” feeling I constantly have. At the end of the year, I’ll hopefully be able to alleviate some of that unknowing feeling.
The husband’s job search hasn’t really landed him any leads so he’s decided that he’s going to try to get a promotion at the place he works (and I used to work). Again, that place is about 4 hours away, one-way, from where I’m living now. It’s a good pay rise and probably a good option until something is available around where we’ll be moving. I’m not overly enthusiastic about it because we haven’t really lived together about half the time we’ve been married, but as long as it’s temporary, I guess I’m okay.
It also seems like the years are just passing by and I’m having those mid-life crisis thoughts. No, I don’t need a new car or anything, but I feel like I probably shouldn’t have wasted most of my life being lazy. I’m really feeling aged now and feel like there is so much more I could be doing, you know, like travelling and stuff. I admit that I didn’t work so hard earlier in my life and I wish I would have. I kind of thought that my boyish good looks would get me by, but once you hit a certain age in the gay world, that doesn’t work anymore.
If you’re a young gay guy who thinks they can sweet talk people, go to the gym every day, and not work hard, you’re going to be paying for it later. I mean, yeah, some people have the luxury of having this last a long time, but it doesn’t last. I’m actually amazed that someone wanted to marry me when I was in my late 30s. 😉 I’m not all bad, but charm and good looks aren’t on my side anymore.
What’s happening that’s good? That’s a tough one right now. Other than feeling like total garbage right now, things could be worse. The summer hasn’t been too bad. Still have a job. Red (my dachshund) is doing okay though getting a bit chubby. I’ll be finishing up my last bit of study this year which will be GREAT and well, I’m okay. It may sound depressing, but I’m okay.
That’s the update for now. I hope you and everybody you care about is doing well. 🙂
I don’t really say much here anymore. You can catch my random ramblings on Mastodon though.
I’ve learned that by dropping my regular blog postings and the discontinuation of my podcast that I really like this… solitude. Something about the lock-downs and isolation really helped carve that into a mainstay in my life. When I’m not working, I just want to be left to my own devices (literally).
Sometimes, I do miss the online communities I was a part of though. Sometimes, I just want to sit and chat with people about random things, but after five minutes of that, I realise that it probably wasn’t a great idea. That’s just me though.
My husband and I are still living apart, but that is going to change in 2024. The construction of our house started in October and it’s progressing very quickly. We’ve got a roof, some bricked walls, and a big wooden frame up at the moment. It’s looking pretty good.
I don’t want to type too much here so I won’t. I feel like there’s so much I’ve said on Mastodon. However, I’m happy to give you bullet points of my highs and lows of this year:
I think that’s about it. I can’t make promises about 2024. I’m afraid to, really. There are quite a few nice things happening though. I guess all I can do is to do my best, right?
It’s like 1:35 am almost. I should get to bed. I already don’t get enough sleep. Good night folks, and hope your 2024 is pretty fucking awesome.
Hello! I hope everybody out there is doing well and in good health.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted here because most of the stuff I’m thinking about is being posted on Mastodon and Firefish. (If you have no idea what this is, just head to my website at cnoi.se to see all my fantastically fabulous posts whining about everything.)
Money and survival is what’s in my head right now. Sadly, I had planned for my partner to be here so I can finish a course of study. I thought that I would be able to work a little less while we lived together here but as we know, that’s no happening. It’s affected that and my ability to return back home at the end of the year. I’m really sad that I can’t go back home for Christmas. Everything I make almost goes to bills. It seems like by the next time I get paid, I have a few hundred left over which somehow gets used my next pay cheque comes in.
It’s just disheartening. I am feeling a bit lonely at this time of the year. That’s not out of the ordinary though because it’s cool/cold. It reminds me of Christmas. It makes me homesick.
I’ll be okay though, I guess. My partner does what he can which I need to give him credit for.
I’d just like to keep my stress levels down and have enough money so I don’t have to worry so much. But such is life, right?